The Bunny Invective

"Who's that ahead?" Cadam asked as they pushed their way through the undergrowth. Madison said nothing but pushed past him towards the noises they'd all heard.

"Crowd." Madison said in his usual laconic manner. He held a hand up as if to say 'stay here'. As he didn't actually say anything Cadam and Phump assumed that they didn't have to stay and they Neod along close behind the white rabbit. Malcolm followed behind those two. He seemed anxious to keep them between him and Madison, but was, as usual, cryptic when questioned about it.

They burst out into a clearing full of animals. There were stoats and weasels, foxes and geese, badgers and hedgehogs. Not a coney in sight, however.

Phump opened his mouth to speak, but Madison turned to the other conies and glared them into silence.

At the end of the clearing was a podium and a female stoat was standing up talking to the crowd.

"And what's with all the carrots? What do they need such good eyesight for anyway?" She seemed rather agitated and was frothing at the mouth a little. A weasel took her by the foreleg and walked her off. A badger took the stand.

"And a big thank you to our sponsor and founder, Mrs Gladys Humanpamphlet for her impassioned speech!" The crowd erupted in a feast of clapping. The conies looked at each other, bemused.

The badger continued, "You are all here because the changes in attitude at the warren recently have affected you. Some of you worked directly for the rabbits and were sacked, other worked in supporting organisations and you suddenly find that there are no goods forthcoming from the warren for you to sell or transport.

"To put it bluntly we've all been shafted by the rabbits and we want action now!"

The crowd voiced their approval. Phump started to tip-toe back away from them, not a little scared. Cadam stepped up behind Madison and whispered in his ear. Madison drew his sword and started to push his way through the crowd. Phump's feet seemed glued to the ground until Malcolm pushed him forwards.

The badger on the podium was laying forth about the way he'd been treated and the hard work he'd done through his life with the rabbits, and then he noticed that the crowd was parting. Our friends were passing through the crowd like a rather sharp knife through butter, Madison's sword looked sharp and vicious and the animals viewed it with a tinge of fear, the fact that there were definite blood stains on it let everyone know that it wasn't just for show.

The rabbits reached the podium and took over. Cadam took to the centre to speak. Madison stood at his right hand in his favourite pose: sword, point-down to floor and chin on the pommel. Phump and Malc stood nervously to the other side.

Cadam cleared his throat. "Greetings, fellow injured creatures. I say injured because that is what you are; I say fellow because, strange 'though this may seem the majority of the conies of the warren are victims of these changes too." There was mumbling in the crowd. Cadam continued, "Recently an evil force has taken over the warren, enslaving the general populace and overthrowing the rightful ruler."

"We heard it was her that caused all the trouble!" one of the stoats shouted. "Yeah! She started it by losing all their wealth!" shouted another.

"You have heard lies!" Cadam said calmly, "An evil coney called Gilchrist has been spreading malicious rumours for the past few weeks and causing misfortune after misfortune to occur."

"He's making it all up!" Shouted a badger from the rear, then "Ouch!"

Behind the crowd two conies appeared. They held rough cudgels and started bashing at the crowd.

Panic was beginning to set in when Madison swung his sword up and leaped onto the crowd. He jumped from head to head, his feet only lightly touching each of the rather surprised animals in the crowd.

Reaching the two conies he jumped over their heads, spinning around in mid air to end up crouched behind them, his sword swinging.

There was a sharp cry of pain from each of the rabbits and they collapsed, hamstrung by Madison's slice. The crowd surged away, as much from Madison as the two bucks that had been attacking them. Madison stepped slowly towards the prone conies. They started to try to crawl away from him, pulling themselves with their arms, leaving a bloody smear on the forest floor. Madison gently stepped up behind the nearest and brought his sword down. It took two swings to silence the buck but four swings into total to sever his head. He stepped towards the other buck, the crowd stepping back respectfully from him - everyone respects lethal force.

With another four swings of his sword the second coney became a pair of bloody pieces.

On the podium Phump's heart was in his throat, in fact his breakfast was threatening to join the party, he slumped to his knees, shaking, never one for violence. Malcolm stroked his head. Cadam used this as an opportunity.

"Those were minions of the dark rabbit, Gilchrist, obviously sent here to break up your meeting." The crowd eyed Madison as he cleaned his sword and murmured an agreement.

"It is virtually impossible for conies to retake the warren on their own. We need the strength of the badger, the fearlessness of the hedgehog and the speed of the stoat to defeat the evil Gilchrist in his own castle."

The crowd were all ears now, feeling buttered (but not basted). Cadam smiled a grim smile to himself, "We need your aid, not today, not tomorrow, but soon we will retake what was taken from us and we can't do it without you.

"In the meantime we will be passing through here looking for your support and dealing with any of the dark rabbit's minions that may come to attack you."

"You're going to protect us?" a weasel shouted.

"We just did. We will help you here, all we ask is that you help us when the time is right. We need an army, and you are our first battalion."

Some of the elder males present seemed to like the idea of being in the army and they visibly straightened their backs. A few of the younger ones too. But certainly not all.

"You want us to get you out of trouble, is that it?" A fox called.

"I want us all to get us all out of trouble. We're all in this already. You're out of jobs or work. We're out of our warren."

"You'll get us all killed!"

Cadam shook his head, "Only if we have too small an army. We need everyone we can get on our side and to attack with superior force." He turned from the crowd then turned back, "At the very least, don't condemn all conies because of the actions of one evil rabbit."

He stepped away from the podium.

"Army?" Phump asked, "Since when have we needed an army?"

"We've always needed one, Phump me old chap." Cadam helped him up, "I've just not had the heart to tell you." His head leaned to one side, "And I didn't realise we might be able to get one."

"I don't want a war," Phump said, "I just want to go home."

"'Ullo, trouble." A voice bobbed and weaved, "What have you lot been up to?" Al popped out of the bushes behind the podium.

"Elder Cadam, good to see you're in one piece, that's not the rumour back at the ranch." He turned to Phump, "Nice you see you're in one piece too. You don't want to hear about Lotte or Cola." Then to Malcolm, "Malc me old cutter, sing us a song for sixpence will you?" Madison strode up. "Woo-hoo! And what have we here! Long way from Melnibone me old china!" Madison glared at the little coney. "Anyways, back to my place then?" Al said with a smile.

---*---

"So, you saw Gilchrist's return with Lotte and decided that you'd partake of the better part of valour?" Cadam said sipping his tea.

Al nodded, "No way was I going up against him and his bully boys. I could see that something was up from that morning when these two, what were they called, oh, Biggs and Wedge, came to see me and basically held me prisoner for the day. Soon as the Big Gee returned they rushed off to see him and I was set loose, I checked out the scene, I really felt sorry for that Lotte, but she made her bed you know, and I scarpered." He turned to the young doe sitting by the doorway, "More scones Maisie?" she scampered off, "Sister." he said matter-of-factly to the conies, "Lovely girl, just looking for a well set-up hero to look after her, if you know what I mean." He nudged Phump with his elbow and winked theatrically. "Anyways, I've had this place for a while, it pays to keep your things well away from the warren and out of prying eyes, My sister and brother look after the place whilst I'm doing my business. Bloxum will be back in a bit. He went out for some fresh carrots when I went to see the meeting. He's a bit slow, but a heart of gold. And fists of too."

"This is certainly.." Cadam begun, but Al can't let anyone get a word in edgewise once he's started.

"So do you really mean it about an army? Sounds about the only way I can think of. But how are you going to manage an army when you can't go near the warren. I've seen the look on their faces, maybe from a distance, but I can tell that there's something wrong with everyone."

Madison spoke. "He's built a Carrot, I could feel it." For once Al was silent, Phump managed to step in.

"What do you mean, built a Carrot? Carrots grow, except for the Golden Carrot that is, but that was broken when Gorden found it and they.." Phump began to realise and he slowed down, "They buried the parts with Gorden." He looked up at Madison, "They said it was used to control conies."

"The ones that don't have these." Madison said holding up his ring finger and showing his golden ring. "Except Malcolm." He looked down at Malc. "Malcolm's special." Phump couldn't place the emotion in Madison's voice, but there was something there.

"I've got an idea where we can get more Army" Al said, taking a scone off the plate that Maisie returned with. He munched. Maisie offered the plate to Phump. He took a scone and was sure that she batted her eyelashes at him.

"Well?" Cadam asked, wondering where Al's verbal trots has disappeared to, "Where is this army then?"

Al smiled.