Raiders of the Tomb of the Lost Crusade

Plessey slithered towards the front of the raft. He reached the front (Alright, I'll call it a prow, if it'll make you happy), stretched his neck and looked up to the sky.

Huge cotton-wool clouds filled the heavens, grey and menacing to the South, light and wispy to the North. The wind was blowing from the South. Plessey smiled a wry smile as the first drops pattered down on his shell.

"To be in England.

"In the summertime.

He looked down, "Close to the edge."

Happy to have got the first obscure reference of the episode in, he turned back to the middle of the raft and his friends, determined to monopolise the episode

"You know," He said, "This reminds me of the first raft-trip I took in my youth."

He was silent for a second, then smiled "But that one was not *exactly* the same.

"For a start we were in a Central American jungle.

"Secondly it was hot....

It was the sort of heat British air-conditioning companies dream of. Where you could order Extra-Chilies on your pizza and not notice.

The stoat, Derek Peartree, sorry, the Esteemed Stoat *Sir* Derek Peartree, was in charge of the expedition. We were to bring back riches and jewels for King and Country.

I somehow doubted that the Country really wanted the trash we could pillage from the savage natives.

We had a guide - 'Thai Tenning' he called himself, but I doubted he'd ever seen *that* side of the ocean. His Spanish was flawless. Pity about his English; pity about my Spanish. So we didn't talk much. We started the journey with seven native bearers. They left us three days into the trip as soon as they realised the direction we were taking- filching half our supplies at the same time.

This did not faze Sir Derek, he seemed to have been expecting it.

So there we were, Sir Derek, his badgerservant Wellings, Thai Tenning and myself, rafting along a tropical river following a map that Sir Derek would only show to Tenning, a map Tenning professed to being the only one who knew it's secret.

There we were searching for Eldorado. The city of Gold.

The rains begun. They begun every afternoon at 2 o'clock. If I had a watch I could have set it by those first drops.

Suddenly Tenning pointed in front of our raft and shouted: "Water Dragon!" We rushed from our polling to see the beast.

The water dragon of Central America is a water-bound cousin of the flying feathered serpents the natives worshipped as gods. Seeing the bulk of this serpent I nearly caught their religious fervour.

"It's fifty yards long!" I exclaimed.

"Ach!" Tenning spat, "Only a baby."

I gulped. If this was baby I didn't want to meet mum.

"See!" Tenning shouted to Peartree, "It is as I said - the meaning of the rhyme!"

Sir Derek nodded, his eyes wide and green.

"I can almost *smell* the gold!" He smiled.

"Ah," Wellings pointed out, "I think it's me. I'm terribly sorry sir, but when we saw the serpent I just lost control."

"No worries, Wellings old chap," Sir Derek said slapping the aged badger on the back. "Everyone looses it once in a while."

"Fork!" Tenning shouted.

"No need to be rude!" Sir Derek said.

"No," Tenning said pointing. "Fork."

The river was splitting - the main flow continued on, but a thin tributary led off to the south.

Sir Derek nodded to him and the two of them started polling us towards the tighter path.

The river dragon had made three or four hundred yards past us, but suddenly turned and headed straight for the raft.

Tenning screamed and he and Derek attempted to pole us out of the way. But they didn't have the speed or the flexibility of the dragon and it reached us in no time.

The serpent's head erupted out of the water and it lunged for Sir Derek.

Wellings jumped at his master and pushed him out of the way just in time. The serpents mouth chumped around Welling's tubby body and the badgerservant gave one final, long, odorous fart as the dragon bore him away.

The raft was soaked and we were all knocked awry by the dragon's impact. The raft spun out of control and aimed straight for the southern bank.

I recovered in time and cast a Boing! spell on the raft. We hit the bank and then bounced straight back into the middle of the river. This knocked us all over again, but we managed to get up and get control of the raft.

"And Then There Were Three." I said to myself.

"Rather weak, I thought," Sir Derek said, adding, "I much prefer Trick of the Tail."

Tenning didn't understand what we were going on about. Luckily.

We moved down the tributary, this involved a lot of hard work as we were moving up a rough stream now.

The sweat poured from us in the heat of the afternoon. I was praying for a decent rainstorm to cool us down.

Sir Derek didn't approve.

"Get off your knees and help us!"

"Show me your enemies and I will make them tremble!" I said going into my schpiel. "Show me your friends and I shall lighten their load!"

I waved and gestured and cast a spell. Derek nearly fell over.

"My God snail! I feel strong enough to fight a lion!"

"Don't say things like that!" Tenning interjected, "Remember that we are moving into lands where words are power!"

"Good," I thought to myself, "I'll hit you around the head with a dictionary..."

Half an hour later the river had become a stream.

Half an hour after that the stream became a trickle. The raft grounded.

"It's on foot from now on." Derek said with a cheery smile. I grimaced. Feet maybe fine for them, but I hadn't yet learnt the floating spell I use these days.

So I was slithering my fastest through the jungle, getting further and further behind the other two.

The undergrowth was thick and I could only 'see' where the other two had gone by the noise they made.

There was a sharp scream - but only one - then silence.

I gulped and then pulled myself together and slid in the direction of the cry.

Without warning the floor fell from beneath me and I rolled into a steep tunnel!

I rolled hard and fast. I was bounced from side to side and I tried to keep track of how far and in what direction I was travelling. Unfortunately, apart from knowing for sure that the slideway branched at least twice; I had no idea where I was.

I rolled out into a deep pile of feathers and started to catch my breath.

A shrill "Squark!" brought me round. A vicious looking beak thrust in my face. I jerked backwards.

Getting a good look at my companion in this fluffy bedding I was surprised to see it was a small feathered serpent. I shivered, thinking about its cousin we met earlier and I backed away from the squeaking, squarking animal, looking for a way out.

There were three exits. Two sloped tubes leading out- I think I'd entered through one of these. Another tube seemed to lead downwards. The top of the nest was open to the skies but I could see very little up there - the top was far far away.

I looked forward to meeting the white rabbit.

A flapping noise assaulted my ears from above. Mother was coming to see her baby.

Luckily this distracted the small serpent and I rushed past it into the downward leading tube.

This was not a steep slope and I managed to slide down, in control, quite easily.

I came to the end of the tube and I peeked carefully out.

It exited eight feet up a stone wall. The room below was about forty feet long and ten feet wide. A trail of bare flames led along each wall. One end of the room held a pair of great, heavy wooden doors. The other end held a stone altar, stained brown. Tied to the alter was Sir Derek.

The brown didn't look like gravy powder.

I was about to jump down when the doors creaked open.

In marched seven hooded figures, the one in front carrying a cross held high in the air.

He laid the cross down on top of Sir Derek.

"This is the Supper for the mighty one!" He intoned, holding a wavy-bladed knife up.

I knew that voice - Tenning.

So. He knew all along.

I could see one way of saving Sir Derek. I had *one* spell left.

With my last magic words of the day I jumped from my hiding place.

At my word the flames flared up and inwards! Each of the robed and hooded figures panicked as the flames licked at their clothes.

They caught alight like tissue paper, turning into living torches in moments.

Tenning turned to see me.

"Cursed wizard!" He shouted, and rushed at me with the knife. I was out of spells! Through the flames he jumped and stabbed down at me with that evil blade. I ducked and the blade hit my shell, shattering into a thousand pieces. I used my last wisp of power to flare the fire near me and he crackled in the heat.

The place was full of the smell of burning flesh. I held my breath and slithered up to the altar.

"Jolly Good Show, young fella!" Derek said. I began to wish I'd been slower.

I loosened his bonds.

"There'll be more of these chappies along soon." Derek said as he massaged his wrists. "We'd better be on our way."

He led the way out of the room at speed, so I was shocked to bump into him as soon as I'd left it.

Before I insulted him I looked forwards, and upwards.

We were there - Eldorado, the golden city!

Above us was a tiered city, built from golden bricks! The walls shimmered - we were stunned by the sight. But not so stunned as to miss the sight of a few hundred natives rushing towards us, knives at the ready.

"This way!" Peartree said rushing off to the left. I didn't know what he'd spotted, but I hoped it was good.

We piled into a crude elevator. It was a huge basket full of rocks. A rope led up and I could see another basket hanging far above us from the other end of the rope. We began throwing ballast out.

The basket started upwards just as the first angry native reached us. He jumped for the edge of the basket and managed to grab hold, the basket stopped its rise and I felt the panic rise in me.

Sir Derek didn't hesitate - He jumped at the man and shouted

"Your shoelace is undone!"

The man looked down at his feet and Sir Derek stamped on his fingers.

With a yelp the man let go and we resumed our ascent.

I worried that natives at the top of the lift would attack us - or even cut the rope. But the lift-top's didn't know what was going on. We jumped out into a group of five natives waiting to go down.

"Beware!" Sir Derek shouted to them, "They'll be coming up behind us!"

Fools. They fell for it.

Derek and I rushed out. Finding ourselves at a small dock area at the side of the main river. We jumped into the nearest boat.

A proper boat with proper oars!

Travelling down stream, we were out of the jungle in two days flat.

Sir Derek and I parted company soon after that. We vowed to tell no one of our discovery.

I returned two years later at the head of an army of mercenaries paid in promises.

We met up with Sir Derek and *his* army of mercenaries holding the same IOU.

There was a short and bloody battle, which led to a quick cease fire, once we'd let the mercenaries whittle themselves down.

We headed to the place we'd found.

There was no one there.

No docks.

No lifts.

"And certainly no Golden City."

Plessey sighed and shook his head.

"I bet you wish you'd taken some gold the first time." David said, entranced by the story.

Plessey shook his head.

"No," he said, "I wish I'd taken enough to line the outside of my shell as well as the inside!"

Plessey turned to face the prow (Happy now?)

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